Sleepless Nights at the White House

Sept. 19, around 7:20 p.m., Omar Gonzalez, a veteran of the war in Iraq, scales the imposing fence that surrounds the White House.

Gonzalez isn’t dangerous. Just a little nuts. The poor guy wants to let President Obama know that the atmosphere is “collapsing.”

Right after scaling the fence, Gonzales starts running in the direction of the White House. But the veteran has had several operations on his foot. He’s not exactly a gazelle. He’s no match for the over-trained agents who guard the premises. Not to mention that the White House guards pride themselves on possessing a secret weapon: a K-9 unit, a squad of Belgian Malinois dogs, chosen for their “exceptional intelligence.” Nicknamed “canine missiles,” these dogs have a reputation for being able to knock over anyone. Even a buffalo.

The chances that Omar Gonzalez can escape them are smaller than that of finding a needle in a haystack while wearing boxing gloves, after having realized that the strange soccer ball that you just ripped open with a kick is actually an enormous wasp’s nest.

Against all odds, Gonzalez reaches the North Portico of the White House after a run of about 75 yards, a feat judged so unlikely that no one saw fit to lock the door. The veteran Gonzales enters the most well-guarded building in the United States with the ease of a cruise missile launched into a fortress of butter. On the inside, the alarm system was silenced by people from the usher’s office. These men thought it made too much noise!

Gonzalez continues his crazy run. He will be overpowered much later, upstairs, by an agent who happened to be passing by after having finished his watch.

As a joke, people say that Gonzalez had the time to sign three proposals into law and to be photographed with the president of Burundi. But in the end, even the K-9 unit invites ridicule. Despite all the nonsense about “canine missiles,” the agents didn’t dare use them. Do you think it was because there was a risk of serious injury to Gonzalez? No. They were afraid that in the heat of the action, the super dogs wouldn’t be able to distinguish the intruder from the plainclothes Secret Service agents.

More ridiculous than that perhaps is John McKay, who was the coach of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers during a disastrous season without wins in 1976. The team couldn’t execute any of the planned plays. One day, after a horrible game, journalists asked McKay what he thought of the team’s execution. “I’m all in favor of it,” he responded.

At first, the director of the Secret Service tried to minimize the affair. She repeated that Gonzalez had been arrested right after getting through the door.

After a few days, angry employees leaked details of the story. Agents spoke about catastrophic reductions in personnel. Other embarrassing incidents were revealed. In the end, the Secret Service director was forced to resign.

“She says she’ll miss being in the White House,” joked TV host Jimmy Fallon, “but knowing the Secret Service, she should be able to come back any time she wants. The door is always open…literally.”

Very funny. Except sometimes you have to ask yourself what’s the most worrisome thing: the official lies or reality? Former Defense Secretary Leon Panetta told a story that once, very early in the morning, a White House Secret Service agent woke him to tell him that a plane had crashed next to the White House.

“What was it? Was it a 747?” asked Panetta.

“It’s a small plane, went up against the White House, hit the Jackson Magnolia tree. We think everything’s OK,” explained the agent.

“Was this a terrorist attack on the White House?” asked Panetta.

The agent didn’t have other details. But after a moment, he put down the phone to go check something. There was a pause and the guy said, “Well, according to CNN News …”

The Secret Service agent, who was at the White House, was turning to TV to know what was going on … at the White House.