Obama Wins the Gold

In the competition for “Fastest Breach of a U.N. Cease Fire Appeal,” the United States takes the gold for launching a major offensive in Afghanistan just prior to the start of the Olympics.

Barack Obama has taken the first gold medal in the XXI Winter Olympics. Right as the opening ceremonies were taking place in Vancouver, the commander-in-chief gave the order to attack the southern Afghan city of Marjah. U.N. Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon’s appeal for peace, at least until the games concluded, went unheeded.

Operation Moshtarak (Together) in Helmand Province is intended to be the turning point in the Hindu Kush. In an attempt to justify the invasion, NATO sources claim that about 1,000 insurgents are hiding among the 80,000 citizens of Marjah. The German news Web site Spiegel Online bloviated about “the Taliban’s heartland.” NATO sources now say that 15,000 troops from the U.S., Afghanistan, Great Britain, Denmark, Estonia and Canada are taking part in the largest offensive military action since the invasion in 2001. In unison, they are to quickly take the city termed the “Taliban and Opium Capital,” secure it and install a government loyal to the occupation forces.

A British military spokesman announced on Sunday that NATO commanders were “very satisfied” with the start of the offensive. Major population centers and key infrastructure, such as police stations, had been secured. The report also noted that only sporadic opposition was encountered from the far-outnumbered enemy. U.S. Marines and Afghan troops went from house to house clearing explosive devices. According to a U.S. military spokesman, two NATO soldiers had been killed in action as of Sunday. One British soldier died from an improvised explosive device attack on his vehicle and one U.S. soldier was killed in a firefight. At the same time, they announced that 27 insurgents had thus far been killed. No one announced numbers of civilian deaths and neither was there any estimate of the number of refugees. The Taliban, on the other hand, announced they had attacked a square in Marjah, killing six American soldiers.

Kabul’s collaborators are also arriving in tandem with the military. According to The New York Times, a large cadre of Afghan bureaucrats stands ready to form a new government as soon as hostilities cease. U.S. Gen. Stanley McChrystal said, “We’ve got a government in a box, ready to roll in.”

As to how the landscape will look afterward, the same politicians who retained power throughout corruption and election fraud are assuring everyone that everything is coming up roses. Defense Minister Abdul Rahim Wardak is quoted as saying, “This is the first time that we are doing everything right.” After hostilities cease, they will build schools, hospitals and a new justice system in Marjah and will support farmers in the switchover from growing opium poppies to fruit orchards.

President Barack Obama is being kept informed of events surrounding the Afghan offensive. According to government spokesman Tommy Vietor, details are being provided to him constantly — along with the Olympic medal count from Vancouver, of course.