Obama Only Pardons Turkeys!

For Thanksgiving, Obama will grant clemency to a turkey. It’s one of his privileges as president, just like it’s his right to pardon convicts. Since taking office however, he has not extended the slightest bit of mercy. Well, except to Courage, the turkey whose death sentence was commuted in 2009. Obama could certainly be doing better.

It’s looking grim for American prisoners. For months, their defense attorneys have been banging down the White House doors hoping to be granted pardons or to have their criminal records expunged, but to no avail. Who would have thought? Theoretically, Obama has the perfect profile of a coddling father who wants to show off his compassion. But for months, the petitions have been streaming in and no clemency has been granted. Even worse, he has denied hundreds (676) of requests for commuted sentences and dozens (71) for criminal pardons. America is starting to wonder what is going on.

Associations and legal professionals are perplexed by this attitude. Is Obama trying to show his steadfastness? Is he trying to show us that his priorities lie elsewhere? Or is he perhaps developing a new pardoning system? The great American calculator has immediately announced a statistic: Pardon Power, a blog about the subject of pardons, says that Obama is the fourth slowest American president to exercise his pardon power. Only Bill Clinton, George W. Bush and George Washington took longer. Bill Clinton granted clemency 456 times (around 100 of which were granted his last night in office) over two terms; George W. Bush only granted 200.

To whom could Obama give clemency as a symbolic gesture? According to Margaret Love, former United States Department of Justice Pardon attorney, it could be to immigrants who have served their time, but are now threatened with deportation because of their criminal records.

While the White House and the Department of Justice do not publish names, we can still learn about some decisions without their being highly publicized. The Thanksgiving holiday would be the ideal moment.

It will be a wonderful stroke of luck for the turkey who is pardoned Thursday. While Americans are devouring 46 million of its comrades, the pardoned bird will be heading down the pampered path to a golden retirement like some kind of celebrity.