In America There Is No Sex!

Everything began with Larry King’s interview with Putin. We saw this King: The unchanged suspenders, glasses and shrewd eyes … So what? It seems he has already been enlisted to our premier’s pool. The most pressing question was about homosexuality in the army. For Putin, it is practically nothing. As for the rest of King’s questions, there were only easy ones, which Russian journalists may ask at Putin’s famous press conferences. There were no rough queries; King’s eyes were looking hectically for the next question on the piece of the paper printed by caring editors. And he did not play by ear.

They say 400 people work for King. Well, well. What our guys could do for the same salary … Posner, for example, why is he worse? He does not raise his eyes from his papers either. At one time, Vladislav Listyev, like King, put on suspenders and began to press his guests on “Chas Pik.”* Who knows — perhaps by now he might have outdistanced the American?

Putin met with King for a second time. The previous rendezvous, soon after “Kursk” drowned, is said to be diverse. Drop it! “What happened to the submarine?” — “It sank.” Is that all? Or Putin grinned, and that was enough? Why not follow up, drive him into a corner and “finish him off”? No, it is PR that rules over it. PR is something they really can make to promote their best democracy, best movies and best TV. If we had our celebrities so hyped up, what could billionaire Oprah Winfrey do with our Sveta Sorokina?*

Now the worst comes. The thing of the greatest importance is WikiLeaks and Julian Assange, which now stars in all TV news. He showed up the conceited Yankees. It looks as if America went out of its head. Oh troika, winged troika, whither are you speeding to? Answer me. No answer.* The United States is so scared that it seems all Americans have gone mad. Now American civil servants are forbidden to read WikiLeaks. So stupid of the Americans! We have had enough of their political correctness. In their version of “Naked and Funny,”* if a topless girl comes to a client, he looks only at the girl’s eyes and does not stare at her breasts, where an average man should stare. Harassment, damn it. In America there is no sex!

They should be happy, as they could learn much from WikiLeaks. The freedom of speech, guaranteed by the First Amendment to the Constitution, was in the foundation of America and should be that foundation forever. At least, everyone thought so. In a scandalous but classy film about the publisher of the erotic (to put it mildly!) magazine Hustler, “The People vs. Larry Flynt,” there is the following episode. A priest, outraged by the exciting pictures he has seen, called for prohibition of the sinful edition. Flynt’s response was as depraved as possible: In an issue of the magazine he inserted a cartoon of the priest, where the latter was portrayed in a very inappropriate way with his nearest female relative. The righteous anger and horror of the clergyman had no limits, and as a true American, he brought a lawsuit against Flynt. Nevertheless, the blind Themis, acting contrary to morality, ruled that the scandalous pornographer was not guilty due to the First Amendment to the Constitution. Freedom of speech was above all, and there could not be any precedent of its infringement. Awesome!

That was a fundamental difference between their democracy and ours. When Putin, after the tragedy in Beslan, abolished elections of the governors, the opposition was ready to resist, referring to a previous decision of the Constitutional Court on the mandatory election of regional leaders. No problem: Our national leader, who is also a professional lawyer, brought judges together again; the judges, not batting their eyelids, changed the decision to exactly the opposite one. For the sake of peace on earth, stability in Russia and the inviolability of the higher power. Expediency is above all. If such dilemma were put forth in the U.S., try to picture, what could the result be? May the third power bend under the first! Never in this life. It is a question of principle! To appease the American people, the courts must decide according to the law, not to some self-made rules. In this case, people do not go out on the streets to protest; instead they hang their starred and striped flags on facades of their houses and, in the ecstasy of joy and pride for the country, put their hands on their hearts and sing with tears in their eyes: “Glory to America, home of the free, bulwark of peoples in brotherhood strong … “

So it was. But that time has gone by. They blocked Assange’s servers and pursued him around the world. They have arrested him and are fabricating a charge of rape. I recognize my brother Kolya! It is just as we live and judge — according to self-made rules. The Western civilization was scared of its own freedom and has come to resemble us. They are ordinary people; only the housing problem has corrupted them.*

The nature of humanity has hardly changed in a thousand years. The modern inventions such as separation of powers, independence of the courts and of the media, political freedom, private property and even religion could do nothing to the nature of Homo sapiens. Whether you are an old African-American, a swell intellectual from New York, or a Muslim brother, the time will come, and you will shoot innocent civilians and an ambulance as well. WikiLeaks proved it.

Their civil servants are on the take too, as well as ours. Perhaps the evidence of that is FIFA’s recent voting for a country to host soccer’s world championship in 2018. Do not be severe with them, weak people.

So Putin is right, saying that their democracy does not differ much from ours. They just have a more recognizable democracy label, which results in a higher price for it. But real value is another thing. That is why Putin does not love people; instead he kisses bears, fish and little dogs. Sometimes he also kisses small children on their bellies, as they are not yet corrupted.

*Translator’s Notes:

“Chas Pik” was Listyev’s talk show, stopped after his murder in 1995.

Svetlana Sorokina is a Russian journalist and television host.

The troika line is a famous quote from Nikolai Gogol’s novel “Dead Souls,” used to illustrate the hopelessness, absurdity and uncontrollability of the situation.

“Naked and Funny” is a hidden camera show.

With “Glory to America…”, the author altered two lines from the chorus of the Soviet Union’s anthem.

“They are ordinary people …” is a citation from Mikhail Bulgakov’s novel “The Master and Margarita.” To understand its meaning better, see the full quote, translated by Michael Karpelson: “People are people. They love money, but then again they always did … Mankind loves money, whether made of leather, paper, bronze, or gold. So, they’re thoughtless … well, what of it … and mercy knocks at their heart’s doors sometimes … ordinary people … reminiscent of the old ones … only the housing problem has corrupted them …”