The Secrets of Success

My dear friends, America is a beautiful and wonderful thing! If you want to succeed in life, you have to work hard! Yep — I swear to you, work is the key. Don’t take no for an answer! Get tough about it. And oh yeah, I forgot: Tanning absorbs the sometimes-cruel light of success beautifully. …

No, okay, I’m kidding. Arnold Schwarzenegger didn’t talk about his tan.

Unfortunately, for the rest, I’m not joking that much at all. …

We all know the story of Arnold Schwarzenegger. A young champion of Austrian culture, he used his grizzly physique to make a path for himself right to the top of the Hollywood box office. An immigrant who didn’t have a nickel to his name when he arrived in America became a huge American superstar, earned a ton of money and married a Kennedy. Next, the Terminator used his celebrity status to boost his electoral campaign in California, and he became the Republican governor from 2003 to 2011. In short, it’s the American Dream on steroids!

As governor of an ungovernable state burdened with chronic deficits (the joys of indirect democracy, which limits land taxes among other things), Schwarzenegger has surprised us, notably by passing himself off as a defender of the environment within a party who believes God drives a Hummer. But California is just as broke as before: The deficit has increased since his tenure. It’s bordering on $30 billion. Has the Governator been a success? Seems doubtful to many.

Not a problem: Before he even opened his mouth, the members of the Montreal Metropolitan Chamber of Commerce, the crème de la crème of entrepreneurship here, were already praising Arnold. He had barely stepped foot in the huge banquet hall of the Montreal hotel before being applauded enthusiastically.

And when the gentleman of the Chamber of Commerce presented the 38th governor of California, all the attendees stood up to applaud Arnold, with his turquoise tie and orange skin, until he arrived at the podium.

No politics, he promised during the first few words of his speech: “I’m going to talk about my life. It’s been an extraordinary one.”* The rest was keeping with the atmosphere: a bizarre show of self-congratulation where the giant celebrated his life, his love of hard work and his love for the United States of America.

Here are some gems of wisdom that Arnold Schwarzenegger bestowed upon the members of the Chamber of Commerce at the Montreal Metropolitan:

“They said that you can’t reconcile the environment and the economy. Because they said it wasn’t possible, I wanted to do it!”*

“In the world of sports, we learn that the harder we work, the more we win.”*

“They said that my accent would keep me from becoming successful. But James Cameron, in the first ‘Terminator,’ said this about my accent: ‘You talk like a machine!’ Can you imagine someone else saying, ‘I’ll be back?’ The lesson: Never take no for an answer!”*

“If you fail, that doesn’t make you a girlie man. If you are afraid of failing, then you are a girlie man.”*

In short, the type of enthusiastic generalizations that pretend that, truly, hard work can move mountains and make a star out of you. You only need to believe it. The kind of big talk that any anonymous “motivator” brought in by a business to reach its training budgetary quota can sell for two hours. …

Except that here, it’s a movie star who sells these truths (or lies) of La Palice, smiling claptraps that pass for tips of genius. Why? Because, in a society that’s fascinated by celebrities, what really mattered yesterday was to be there — yes, there, in the same huge room as a world-renowned pop culture icon.

It was a very good speech — don’t get me wrong. I’m sure that I would have a great evening hanging out with his team of scriptwriters: They know the formula. Arnold learned his words very well; he was full of authenticity.

But I wonder what the crème de la crème of the Montreal business world was able to learn yesterday afternoon, listening to Conan the ex-governor reveal the secret ingredients of his world success.

Montreal businessmen have to pay $350, $450 or $1,200 (according to how close you wanted to be to Arnold in the room) to tell themselves that success comes from … working hard? Seriously?

And after telling themselves that (before, even), they … clap?

Okay then.

People paid a small fortune just to breathe the same air as Arnold Schwarzenegger. There isn’t any scandal here. Just this lesson: There’s a groupie inside each of us, even in presidents and directors. No scandal. But I do wonder if these groupies are going to try to pass on these payments of $350, $450 and $1,200 as deductible expenses in their salaries for their fiscal declarations in 2011.

*Editor’s Note: These quotes, though accurately translated, could not be verified.