A Guide to Cheating from Horny Washington

I wrote this piece for each of the 550 members of parliament that you all have just elected and sent off to Ankara. … Earlier I made a “Guide to Flawless Censorship” as a model to serve the Turkish people, using a video lifted from Washington’s Smithsonian Museum. Now I present to you a guide to infidelity along the same lines. Let our exemplar be U.S. Rep. Anthony Weiner, the New Yorker who admitted to sending half-naked pictures of himself to women via Twitter and Facebook for the past three years. Let Weiner’s example be a model of success to the rookie MPs out there. Planning on cheating? Definitely have a read. Are you saying to yourself, “I’m going to satisfy my urges and then take on crazy projects?” If that’s the case don’t read this. You’re advisers will tell you about it later.

1) Decide on your method of infidelity

First set your parameters. How far are you going to go? How many people will you cheat with? Will it be a long-term love affair or a fling? At the office or outside work? Looking for something slutty or a girl with a good head on her shoulders? Will you meet or do like Weiner and have Internet sex? Don’t be nervous! Whatever you decide on, you will surely find the courage once you cross the threshold.

2) The more women, the more risk

You’re new in Ankara. You don’t know who’s who. Weiner has been in Washington for 13 years. That’s a lie of course; he just advertises that on the Internet. Know how to use a computer? Great. You might want to troll around some dating sites under a screen name. Try it on for size.

3) The office might be an option

Weiner’s room number on Capitol Hill is 2104. I’ve been there. At the front two lady reporters were waiting. I went inside. The receptionist was a beautiful, busty woman. “The congressman will be out until Monday,” she said, smiling. Of course the office is an option. It’s the greatest depravity and grossest type of misappropriation, but it runs the least risk of getting you caught. Let the help be gorgeous. You can flirt during conversation. The rest depends on how low you’re willing to go. …

4) Cry, cry … and then cry some more

And don’t get caught. … Try to stay as invisible as possible. Deny everything at first. Meanwhile, talk to your wife and win her over. When things reach a point of no return … organize a press conference. And say sorry. In typical Weiner fashion … nothing you say matters except “sorry.”

And cry!

Cry! Cry! Cry!

5) Always keep your head up

Your voice will quiver. While speaking, do like Weiner and snivel incessantly. You will hunch over, crushed. But when the reporters ask if you plan to resign, you will show no weakness. “My primary — my primary sense of regret and my primary apology goes to my wife.”* That’s what you’ll say. And make a production of it. When you’re lying to your wife and after, cheat on, eh! After your fit of weeping, that’s who you’ll stand next to before the press.

6) Don’t use public resources

Whether there’s a need for such advice in Turkey I’m uncertain. … If ethical issues arise, perhaps the infamous 2023 will come in handy. But in adultery you will not EVER use public resources! The BlackBerry you text with won’t belong to the government. You’re not taking your official car to your girlfriend’s house. You’re not even going to mix up the office computer in this business. … As Weiner wept, a reporter asked whether or not he had utilized public resources. “No,” he replied firmly, sticking his chest out. “It was my BlackBerry, not a government BlackBerry. My home computer is usually where I did these things.”

7) Don’t let the cries for resignation get to you

At first there will be lots of noise. Everyone is going to shout, “Resign!” But be careful not to take it to heart. On Thursday I went to the Senate General Assembly. We talked with the Senate correspondent for Bloomberg News. When I inquired, “So, what now? It doesn’t look like he’s going to leave …” the reported promptly replied, “It’s shameful. He has to go.” It all stopped soon enough. When gay Rep. Barney Frank recalled living with a gigolo and taking him to work, he lamented that his episode was “far more regrettable than this one.”*

8) Watch out for your competitors

Reporters demand resignation as a matter of reflex. It’s not important. And really, what your opponents have to say doesn’t amount to much, either. At the moment the networks are airing lists of the members of Congress who are calling for Weiner’s resignation on a daily basis. But the guy keeps going! The competition can have some impact, but don’t dwell on it much.

9) Become friendly with the most seedy newspaper imaginable

And as a finishing touch … I think it was Marlon Brando who said, “When I walk into a room, I find the person who hates me the most and focus on them.”* When a scandal blows up … find the paper that is going to talk the most trash about you and immediately buddy-up with them. Give exclusive interviews. … Keep them in the loop when the news breaks, etc. Weiner was in touch with the New York Post, which disabled their gossip mill. This sensationalist magazine is now running articles with headlines such as “Fifty-percent of voters don’t want to see Weiner resign.”*

10) On female MPs

I know all 550 MPs will be male … and I have written how they will cheat. There’s not much difference between Ankara and Washington in this respect. But a female politician cheating on her husband … could such a thing possibly exist?!

*Editor’s note: These quotes could not be verified.