Black, Lesbian and a Bad Mother

It is not easy to be a woman and to be in the global limelight. You can be in the limelight for different reasons: because of your own occupation or that of your partner. In some diabolical cases, both circumstances coincide and the woman in question must be prepared to take the blame. The blame for what? For her actions and those of others. In popular imagery, it is women who pull the strings behind the scenes. That allows men to call the shots without being totally responsible for their actions.

Recently, I have read reports here and there about women. One was an informative report in which it was explained in detail how to get a powerful man, giving the example of Elena Ochoa, the wife of architect Norman Foster; in another, politician Arias Cañete was freed of his sexist flirtatious remarks, revealing that it is his wife who wears the pants at home. I even read a feature that let the mass public know what the woman who won the heart of the new Spanish political star, Pablo Iglesias, is really like. Women still add a splash of color, still light up reports and allow newspapers to offer a hint of glossy paper that serious readers only allow themselves when they visit the hairdresser.

As far as I know, neither the husband of Rosa Díez, nor that of Susana Díaz or Ana Pastor (all influential Spanish politicians), has been profiled. It is not being insinuated that Seville-born judge Mercedes Alaya’s character is shaped by her husband’s personality — quite the contrary. The poor man must privately endure his wife’s relentless nature. The case of Ana Botella (mayor of Madrid and People’s Party politician) stands out for being so unique: Her husband does not know how to behave discreetly, as an ex-president or as the husband of the mayoress. There is one woman that stirred great curiosity from the get-go — Chirlane McCray, wife of newly-appointed mayor of New York Bill de Blasio. Her uniqueness has gained a great deal of attention. She is a black woman married to a white man and, despite the fact that the rules of public language dictate that we observe this fact naturally; in real life there are still few mixed marriages.

That difference in skin tone, which occasionally also means a very different culture and unequal challenges during school years (especially for black girls), fueled the interest in the couple and the family they had created. Their negritude is coupled by the fact that Chirlane had openly declared that she was a lesbian when she was a student. She did it through a sort of manifesto that she published in an ‘80s radical magazine, when she arrived in New York to become an activist for black women … black lesbian women.

Essentially, the past and Mrs. McCray’s bisexuality sparked the campaign of this Democrat and the pieces that were written about the marriage: parents of two mixed-race, good-looking teenagers with afro hairstyles and a few problems that instead of hiding, they served up to the press on a plate, such as the fact that the daughter had had issues with alcohol and smoking joints. However, as expected, the blessing that the de Blasio family received was initially more related to the obligatory norms of verbal correction than to real tolerance. Now they have found a way to sink their teeth into him. Two weeks ago, the beautiful Mrs. McCray gave an interview to New York Magazine and answered the journalist’s questions with exceptional candor. Concerning maternity, the mayor’s wife claimed that it took some time to fit it into her life and that she did not want to give up her status as a working mother. She clearly expressed her unconditional love for her children, but felt unable to devote her entire day to their upbringing.

Those who had not been able to make hurtful remarks about the fact that this first lady was black, that she had accepted her bisexuality and that she defined herself as a social activist have found a way to disrespect her by calling her a negligent mother. “I am a bad mother,” read some headlines, citing a phrase that she had not said. The mayor has demanded an apology by various media outlets for what he considers an insult to his wife and so many other working mothers. But what is irritating is that the idea that a mother that does not dedicate her existence to motherhood should not have children is spreading across this part of the world (including Europe), which was a pioneer in women’s rights.

Such an active woman as actress Emma Thompson, for example, suddenly announces the benefit of sabbatical years in order to simply enjoy being a mother. Of course, she defends this outlook now after having had an intense career in those years of maturity in which people begin to ease off the gas. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, but I admit that theorizing about good or bad mothers worries me. When I read the words of McCray, I felt that she was speaking for me. I too love my job and am an imperfect mother. A slogan that I read a few days ago in the Museum of Civil Rights in Memphis exemplifies my belief: “Well-behaved women seldom make history.” There you have it.