Down with Obama’s Organic Drones!

Fry us an unchlorinated stork: The rooster is now a bigger danger than Google.

Today is the day that we must apologize to everyone who already knew that the danger for Christian civilization comes not from the East, but from the West. And they have been warning us for decades that the brainwashing device from Hollywood is re-educating us Germans to become willing helpers in the American nightmare. The people who thought that it was perfect Russian propaganda should re-evaluate themselves because now physical evidence suggests that Americans not only want to take a crack at our spirit with their decadent ideas, but also at our “precious bodily fluids,” as Jack D. Ripper feared in “Dr. Strangelove,” though in that case, it was from the opposite perspective. In our case, they use the loveliest of all birds, the fried chicken. The Americans have unceremoniously turned this harmless creature into the worst of the organic drones: the chlorine-washed chicken.

In order for it to be used en masse, above and within German saucepans, the Yanks want us to lower our ABC (Anti-Ballistic Chicken) umbrellas against these fowl missiles as a part of the free trade agreement negotiations. But of course, we know from the [Star Trek] Enterprise that this is an old Klingon trick — not everything was bad in Hollywood. Yet, how does our chancellor know Captain Kirk? Did she watch Western television against regulations back in the day in the Free German Youth organization? At any rate, she acted like an old doe in the “Trans-Atlantic Chicken War.” Chancellor Merkel knows every chloride trick in the book, and Obama can’t trick her with the show of pardon in the White House, where a super chicken gets exonerated to distract us each year.

We didn’t win the Cold War to get hit in the back by Americans with chemical mace. When it comes to intrinsic values, you can always rely on Mrs. Merkel. Although she was able to rely on Putin — should the Americans really just say “Putn?”* — she was not able to prevent him from swallowing Crimea. But she will not allow chlorine-washed chicken to be imported. Surprisingly unconditionally, Merkel now says, “I have prevented it for years and will continue to do so.” Fry us an unchlorinated — untreated — stork! Now, we finally know what she has dedicated her political life to: the fight against chemicism. The Swabian housewife does not serve hen with chlorine, but rather with Fädle.**

The chancellor simply knows that one must set priorities. And what is the threat from Google when compared to the risk of the posthumously chlorinated rooster, where such a purge is indeed totally un-necessary! Our chickens are already shoved on the spit, so marinated in antibiotics that we are completely sterile after eating. No, we must not submit to the chicken imperialism that even the English, who hardly dread anything, must find disgusting. Miss Sophie would have never reached her 90th birthday if she had told James, “I think we’ll have chlorine with the bird.”***

* Translator’s note: “Puten” is the German word for “turkeys.”

** Translator’s note: Fädle is a traditional Swabian soup made of beef broth and sliced pancakes.

*** Editor’s note: This is in reference to “Dinner for One.”