Because He Can

I urgently need to travel to America. Urgently. Of course, it is the evil empire inhabited by disgusting Americans, but I urgently need to—here is my ticket. And at passport control they say, “We do not give a damn about your visa.” Your country is also an evil empire, they say, and for some reason we do not like your black glasses (by the way, take them off when the border agent is talking to you). And they send me home.

Can they treat Russians like that? Yes, they can. Easily. Because they have the right by law.

But now let us imagine that the U.S. president, clothed with the authority given to him by the people and by God, says, “For some reason, I do not like what your country is doing, and in general, there is something wrong with it and it poses a cyberthreat, so I am banning you from crossing the Moscow to Los Angeles border checkpoint for 90 days.”

Hundreds of thousands of protesters with banners that read “Let in the Russians” immediately take to the streets; at the Oscars, Hollywood stars write “Let Russians In” in lipstick on their emaciated breasts; snowflakes and pink unicorns thrash about yelling, “Down with the Russian ban!” before the cameras in hysterics paid for by Simonyan; and then all the rest, as you know.

The Washington Post and The Guardian write in small print—and Bild and the Daily Express in huge print—that Trump is a dictator, a tyrant, and well, of course, Hitler. Beautiful.

The attorney general, a Democrat who for technical reasons still holds her position from the old administration, announces that the travel ban against Russians is unlawful and recommends that her subordinates not comply with the order. She is immediately fired, tossed from her leather chair with the phrase “betrayer.”

Trump wipes away his tears of displeasure on behalf of the Homeland but stands his ground.

And lo and behold, those among Russia’s intelligentsia who love to give lectures at American universities take to Red Square with the slogan, “Nixon is an asshole.” The slogan simply stuck around ever since the Soviet joke, and no one paid for a new one. Not even Soros.

Merkel backs the Russians all the way, opening the borders to a million Siberians, giving them a thousand Euros a month, and building a refugee camp in the middle of Schönefeld Airport so the refugees are closer to Aeroflot.

Prime Minister May releases a statement saying that she is in complete agreement with Trump, especially on the issue of “fish and chips” being “shit,” but as far as the Russians go, he did the wrong thing.

Hollande makes an appearance at the Trocadero and before hundreds of thousands of protesters makes the historic statement, “France will never be America’s slave, and the Russians are suffering under the yoke of a tyrant.” And he opens the borders for half a million residents of Krasnodar. At the airport, they are joyfully greeted by Algerians and Somalis with flowers and niqabs. Then the real meaning of the phrase “See Paris and Die” sinks in for the Russians.

Do you see what I mean?

And what is the difference, really? Just that the Russians have never blown up anyone in America. The Tsarnaev brothers’ pressure cookers were, as a matter of fact, from a different store—not from “Pyaterochka."

Then why did everyone get so worked up all at once over a travel ban against seven countries which, according to the previous president’s documents, pose a terror threat to Americans? Can the acting U.S. president commit such a heinous crime against humanism and humanity? “Yes, we can,” responds the Donald with the Democrat slogan. Indeed, the man is within his rights—his Roman legal rights.

Then the Lügenpresse, as they now call it in Germany, which still cannot calm down whatsoever over its epic fail in the election, inserts the term “Muslim ban,” thinking that the reader is a total idiot and is unaware that besides the aforementioned seven countries, there are 40 other Muslim states in the world to which the ban does not apply.

Why have all the nice people suddenly become so aware of the transparency of America’s borders and all at once remembered that America is a nation of immigrants? Prior to this, no one even dared to yap about the transparency of the aforementioned seven countries’ borders in principle—or, as a separate matter, for citizens of Israel. By the way, did Tel-Aviv also take to the public square with the slogan “Let Somalis into the U.S.”? I think not. Because there they know what war is and who is waging it. And throughout the world at that. And only the snowflakes pretend that it does not concern them.

The California Internet crowd is drowning in tears over the brains they lost out on. But upon closer inspection, it turns out that somehow there really are not many Nobel laureates in the aforementioned countries either. Even if we take all 47 countries (reasoning from the demagogic #Muslimban tag), then the laureates over all these years would come to 12 people, five of whom received the Peace Prize, including Arafat, that prominent champion of peace who in the U.S. was never called anything other than “terrorist number one.”

Look, did you already pull the plug on your remote-access VPN? Did you turn off your Internet? Or do you urgently need to go to Silicon Valley on business? And what's more, with a Canadian passport, in addition to your precious Iranian passport? By the way, such smart-asses were also quite quickly turned around. Think of it as a 90-day vacation. Let Google compensate you.

Such hysteria, as if your whole life has been derailed because you mistakenly wound up in some cursed America full of racists on tractors and Harleys. We will see what happens when they start to purge the illegal immigrants…