The Chechen ‘Kuzka’s Father’

Yesterday, a worthy opponent for the U.S. came into view, an opponent who can finally put not only Obama, but all of American imperialism, in its place. From the foothills of Chechnya came the menacing voice of Dukuvakha. If it had been just any voice or just any Dukuvakha, it would be a different matter. There’s no telling what you’ll hear in the spring, especially in the foothills.

But Dukuvakha Abdurakhmanov isn’t just any resident of the foothills in the middle of spring. He’s the well-respected speaker of the Chechen parliament, making an official statement on the official website. And on this very website, that of the Chechen parliament, Mr. Abdurakhmanov issued a stern warning to American imperialism.

He simply wrote: “We will take the delivery of arms to Ukraine as a signal for appropriate actions. We will begin delivering the latest weapons to Mexico to resume disputes on the legal status of territories annexed by the U.S. where the American states of California, New Mexico, Arizona, Nevada, Utah, Colorado, and part of Wyoming are now located …”

And then, he threatened, “We reserve the right to hold conferences in Russia, Mexico and America to raise the question of the separation of the aforementioned states from the U.S. and to deliver weapons there for guerrilla fighters.” And in closing, he advised the U.S. to “come to its senses and finally renounce the imperialistic idea of its greatness and policy of anything goes” and begin a dialogue with Russia based on equal rights.

In response, Obama has been silent. Obama is horrified. He probably recalled how, in the last century, the Russian Nikita thumped his shoe on the podium in New York and threatened the U.S. with some terrible weapon enigmatically named “Kuzka’s mother.”* But this is a new era, with new technology, and new enigmatic threats from the eternally enigmatic Russia. Now, Dukuvakha from the foothills, unknown to the world, is thumping something unknown on his parliament’s podium and threatening American imperialism with some terrible weapon plausibly named “Kuzka’s father” — and not just some Central Russian “Kuzka” or what have you, but the most Chechen of Chechens. And today, this sounds especially ominous anywhere in the world. It’s even frightening for Obama to imagine what menacing name might lurk behind this two-fisted image, the Chechen “Kuzka’s Father.”

The U.S. State Department has been silent for 24 hours now. Perhaps, everyone there choked up with nervous laughter. What else can they do now: either laugh nervously or before it’s too late, beg Ramzan in chorus for protection.** Only he can stop the terrible Dukuvakha. It’s beyond the power of Russia’s Foreign Ministry and beyond the Kremlin’s too. They were also silent for a long time. Either they were at a loss for words at Abdurakhmanov’s statements or perhaps they were forced to cede authority to him. Later indeed, the Russian president’s spokesman was forced to offer excuses to the civilized world for our uncivilized world. He explained that our regions don’t have the right to trade arms. But at the same time, he didn’t criticize Dukuvakha and put him in his place. So, U.S. security is still in the hands of Ramzan. Only he is capable of stopping the guerrilla detachments, which, at any moment, might advance toward California, Arizona, and part of Wyoming: right from the foothills of Chechnya and from the Mexican tundra, and with the most advanced weapon in their hands — Dukuvakha’s shoe.

*Translator’s note: In Russian, threatening to show someone “Kuzka’s mother” is to threaten to show someone who’s boss, to threaten to fix somebody’s wagon. The phrase was infamously used by Khrushchev in a United Nations address, much to the translator’s dismay.

**Translator’s note: Ramzan Akhmadovich Kadyrov is head of the Chechen Republic.