A Big Fan of… Trump, Palin and the X-Files

Just when “The X-Files” has returned to our screens, Sarah and Donald, you go and form a domestic political partnership to steal the limelight from Mulder and Scully. I can’t help imagining you both bursting into action with Mark Snow’s unmistakable theme tune playing in the background. However, the Smoking Man wouldn’t have enough cigarette cartons to maintain that illusion; he would need to combine cigarettes with several shots of tequila. You guys really are creepy. Big fan.

Sarah, you unexpectedly burst onto the scene during the “Blond Ambition” campaign (forgive me, Madonna). Days before, Donald posted on his Facebook wall, feeding the suspense: “Join me on Tuesday, January 19th at the Iowa State University Hansen Agricultural Student Learning Center in Ames, Iowa! I will have a major announcement and a very special guest in attendance. You will not want to miss this rally!”

For a celebrity like yourself, Sarah, it was surprising and strangely reminiscent of the game show “The Price is Right,” where you have to wait for the prize to be revealed from behind a screen. The only thing missing that day at the Hansen Agricultural Student Learning Center was Bob Barker!

And then you showed up. You took a chartered flight from Anchorage to support Trump in his campaign against opponent Ted Cruz. Did you just toss a coin and it landed on “blond bombshell?” This is the same guy who believes his own sex appeal is off the charts.

According to The Washington Post, the outfit you chose for the occasion was clearly intended to demonstrate that you were the lead player that night; an unforgettable character in American politics, a shining TV star, and an iconic tea party supporter. If the nickname “Saritísima”* wasn’t already taken by the late Spanish singer Sara Montiel, I would give it to you. It suits you perfectly.

Talking of hair, it seems that you chose a flashy get-up to outshine the most famous toupee in the world — sorry Elvis. So you chose to wear a jacket covered in shiny metallic tassels, similar to a porcupine’s shell…

And as the “incredible woman” that you are (that’s how Trump introduced you, and we agree), you spewed out this typical Palinite speech: “Are you ready to make America great again? … You ready for a commander-in-chief who will let our warriors do their job and go kick ISIS’ ass?”

The jewels on your jacket were dancing to the beat of your powerful and historic speech, although as of yet we have heard no reports of any of them falling off and flying directly into the eye of any of the thousands of fervent supporters there. The sharp spikes of this rodent do tend to randomly fire out when it shakes its body. However, contrary to popular belief, experts deny that the little animal voluntarily shoots its spikes and keratin when faced with a potential threat.

You, on the other hand, do. You shoot out needles any time you feel like it. And your colleague Trump simply fires out surprising and unfiltered ideas exactly how he conceives them in that troublesome head of his. “They say I have the most loyal people — did you ever see that? Where I could stand in the middle of 5th Avenue and shoot somebody, and I wouldn’t lose any voters.”

This was the latest from Donald last Saturday at an event in Sioux Center in response to the special issue that the magazine National Review devoted to him entitled “Against Trump.” The issue featured 22 editorials written by influential conservatives about the consequences for the Republican Party and for the United States if Trump were nominated to begin down the road to the White House. But Donald isn’t scared in the least.

Your colleague is so sure of himself and his voters that he replied to the criticism in typical Trump style. Although the ideas he has about his voters are frightening, what’s even more frightening is the fact that millions of Americans identify with his words.

I’m sure, Sarah, that you loved his cowboy response, just like you admired him a while back for throwing Univision journalist Jorge Ramos out of a press conference for asking a question about immigration. “You schooled that radical activist. It was the right thing to do — I don’t think he’s going to pull that again. Where’d you get the guts for that kind of necessary confrontation?” you said, spellbound, on your television show “On Point.”

You are two peas in a pod, an indescribable pair. You would outdo any comedy duo if it weren’t for how serious governing a country is, and the consequences — for people everywhere — of certain individuals being in power.

It would be fantastic if you both went back to the Famiglia Pizzeria on Broadway and stuck your knives and forks into a four-cheese pizza, like you did back in 2011 when you took your last photo together before this explosive rendezvous in Iowa.

*Editor’s Note: This nickname, roughly translated, means “Sara the Great.”