The U.S. State Department Will Eat Our Brains!

The U.S. government decided to extend its “war of ideas” to the popular Internet sites, forums, chat rooms and blogs in the Russian segment of the global network. This was announced by the Under Secretary for Public Diplomacy and Public Affairs, James Glassman, and refers to the State Department’s Digital Outreach Team program. The program has already been tested on Arabs, Afghans, and Iranians. Under this program, specially trained people go to foreign Internet websites, and debunk myths about American politics as well as, “refer people back to factual documents.”

I often talk to fellow citizens on different forums and blogs about various topics, including the United States. We discuss different issues. For example, is the war in Iraq a sufficiently convincing illustration of the American peace-loving foreign policy, or should this image be reinforced with some sort of small victorious Pakistani campaign? Or this: why is the practice of promoting democracy limited to the planet Earth? I must say that during the debate, my conversation partners often reach conclusions that the U.S. State Department would find very unpleasant. The problem is certainly caused by the fact that none of the forum’s visitors have access to “factual documents.” It’s equally caused by the fact that there are no State Department employees among us. The best we’ve got are the “fifth column” and grantees that scrounge at the American Embassy.

Glassman noted that when Digital Outreach Team members visit forums and blogs, “they identify themselves as working for the State Department.” It’s hard for me to understand why they do it. People who have to introduce themselves when performing their duties are policemen, who ask you to show your documents on the subway, or traffic cops, who stop your car. Infiltrating Cossacks, by definition, should not identify themselves. They should pretend to be simple Russian students or managers in pink shirts, whose bonuses were cut due to the crisis. Informal guys in traditional Russian shirts, who seemingly by chance stumbled onto “factual documents” on the Internet. This self-incriminating honesty can only be explained by, perhaps, a special serum developed by American intelligence agencies, which future State Department employees absorb with their mother’s milk and corn flakes. Though, the State Department apparently developed an antidote to this serum when they had to lie about Iraqi weapons of mass destruction.

If I was an administrator of some forum, I would unavoidably have a temptation to ban the IP address of anyone who methodically and with fly-like irritability bombards visitors (and me as well) with messages like this: “Good day! I am an employee of the U.S. State Department, John Johnson. Your treatment of the situation in Iraq is a little wrong. I would like to clarify the situation. Here is a transcript of a speech by Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice…” Even if this information was exceptionally interesting, as an administrator I would be outraged by how it’s presented, much like a traveling salesman’s pitch that eats your brain or pornographic spam. Moreover, I am completely confident that the forum’s visitors, whose original disposition is to fear America, will read John Johnson’s message and “factual documents” in a biased way, searching for parts that confirm their own views.

The State Department is concerned with “myths” about American foreign policy. However, all these “myths” are often fueled by disgruntled people within the U.S. For example, the movie “Fahrenheit 9/11” was created by an American, Michael Moore. The war in Iraq, for instance, is also criticized by American politicians and public figures. We’re not talking about myths and misinformation, but rather, a reasonable interpretation of a specific action. The myths that penetrate our society are not about American policy, but Americans themselves. We know from Mikhail Zadornov’s* half-jokes that Americans are dumb, and compared to them, we are sharp-witted and resourceful like Baron Munchausen. We know that Americans are fat, clumsy, spend all day eating Big Macs and potato chips and watching TV, and unconditionally believe in the wisdom of their government. They think that Russians are armed to the teeth with nuclear warheads, wear hats with ear flaps year-round, and go for walks with bears on a leash. Their showy patriotism contrasts with our tendency to take our flag even to rap concerts. Their showy political correctness contrasts with our sincere hatred of everything that’s different from us.

Now that’s a real myth. And in fact, that’s more harmful and dangerous than a critical interpretation of the foreign policy of American ruling elite. It’s far harder to deal with this sort of myth, and the State Department doesn’t try to undertake such a task. Instead, it addresses local, tactical problems. According to Glassman, the program “works very well.” Judging by the Arabs and Iranians, you wouldn’t say that. It’s not likely to succeed with us either. It’s not working with their own Americans, and the State Department has got Americans, and its “factual documents,” literally at its fingertips.

*a popular comedian’s