They Have Started the War Without Us

For those who think that an attack on Iran is just a matter of time, our writings have already escorted the forces to Tehran.

They say it is almost certain that we will strike them in June. Two weeks ago, in the morning after one of those cold and rainy nights, there sounded a bold blast in our village right after a power outage. “Did you hear that?” my roughly 80-year-old neighbor asked me, clearly hiding his concern. “Yes, that was quite the thunder,” I said. “And I thought that they had already started,” he responded in a thick accent, the amicable octogenarian who has probably run from so many noises in his life. And now this.

I calmed him, and explained to him that according to the newspapers we have four months to prevent the next war. “Great, like we haven’t had enough wars already?” After a short conversation, I understood that much like many others, he too was not particularly excited about an attack on Iran. “It will be fast, I think,” he said. “Maybe it has already happened,” I told him with a loud voice because he was also a bit deaf, and suddenly, as the skies turned blue the electricity unexpectedly turned on.

Children! We Must Respect Tradition

At a conference in Herzliya, the city named after a pessimistic prophet, the next terrible war has already been declared as if there is no escaping it.

Wherever you look, mysterious figures that reporters like to call “senior security officials” leak information about the next war, and all the frightened citizens who will pay the price — not the insecure officials — have already learned to count the seasons according to the topics. The last cycle was as follows: first, the Arab Spring, then the tumultuous summer which was followed by the Syrian Winter and finally, the Atomic Summer. And despite the fact that there is talk of renewing the public outcry, according to the outlook from the treetops of government, next summer will not be one of peaceful community gathering, but one of bomb shelters and foxholes with gas masks justifiably passed around.

And that is how it started, says the 100-year-old grandpa who jumped from a window: In the beginning they reported all sorts of mysterious explosions that blew Iranian nuclear scientists sky high. Meanwhile, no one took responsibility — one of the more prominent traits of leaders in our area.

And then that 100-year-old grandpa will tell his grandchildren how it was actually in Herzliya where Moshe “Bogie” Ya’alon stood up and provided the nation the opening rounds of the next war: “If Iran acquires an atomic weapon, it will be a nightmare for the free world.”

The nation itself is unsure of what scares it more: this nuclear weapon, or that it is called the free world while not being asked whether it wants a war that will likely be more cruel and more unnecessary than all wars before it. This fact will be confirmed with certainty by the investigative body brought up immediately after the battle’s conclusion. Such is the tradition in our country, and tradition must be respected, children!

But in order to prepare the nation, the government knows that first it must scare them. Aviv Kochavi (whose name means “starry spring,” a rather happy name for the head of the Military Intelligence Directorate) hinted to the citizens that they should not be surprised if they suddenly hear the sound of hundreds of thousands of rockets, and as he says this, his eyes express the sentiment: “You can’t say I didn’t warn you.” We have somehow managed with the Iranian threat, but what are we going to do with the threat of a government that we thought was for our own good?

Between the Iranian President and the Guardians of the City

“Later on could be too late,” warned the defense minister, whose main qualifications are the disassembling of watches (and also one political party).

And I don’t have to be a fleeing 100-year-old to shake from fear because every time your deputy foreign minister, Danny Ayalon, who really cannot wait, and who has exhausted all fear-mongering tactics, even said this: “The Iranian regime today is just as dangerous to the world as Hitler was in the 1930s.” If you think that the public does not understand exactly how close it is to being destroyed, it is always nice to call on some Führer with a small mustache.

And if that is not enough Holocaust for you, once a week they bring out some idiotic quote from the Ayatollah Ali Khamenei making us, in my opinion, probably the only people who reproduce his words: “The Zionist regime is a cancerous growth that must be removed.” These words, by the way, are nothing more than requisite platitudes repeated by every half-holy religious zealot who spits on women, but we still put up with that massive attack in every house in Mea Shearim.

According to NBC, We Have Already Begun the Attack

When I was a kid, I remember that when the leadership (Ben Gurion, Moshe Dayan and other listeners) really wanted to know what was happening in the world, they listened to foreign broadcasts, primarily the BBC. Yet these days, with all due respect to Ehud Ya’ari and Robi Daniel, if you really want to know when we will rip into them and kick their asses you should read The Washington Post, with their quote on the front page from Leon Panetta saying that he has no doubt that Israel is planning a massive attack for as early as April, the most ruthless in months.

The last thing the Americans want, while still licking the wounds of the Iraq War and immersed in an election year, is to participate in another world war against Islam. However, according to an official, somewhat concerned, statement by the Pentagon: “The countdown has begun,” and if it seemed that there was a fleeting moment of peace, according to NBC we have already begun the attack and so far everything is going to plan.

We began, of course, with massive launches of our advanced Jericho 2 missile systems, systems that have no problem reaching targets 2,500 kilometers from here, and since we don’t have enough testing space in our small and heavily-armed country, we have no choice but to send them over to Iran.

A chubby and retired American general uses a narrow victory scepter to indicate that the missiles have demolished the nuclear facilities. Yes! After the missiles, explains the general, we sent F15s over but occasionally they ran out of fuel. But it was not a problem to re-fuel in the Saudi Arabian petrol stations, whilst receiving a free Saudi newspaper.

There are already arrows scrawled across the massive plasma screens that indicate the advancement of our commando forces and Mossad agents whose mission it is to efficiently mark targets for the planes. The round, white circles indicate our heroic victories, and the general — who has already experienced two wars that occurred primarily on blinking screens — has already tired of all of our attacking. But if the lord (and America) wills it, it will all be over before anyone knows it. Amen.