No One Has to Be Lonely

San Francisco has the most deserved reputation since cool and savvy people live there — people constantly doing exciting things. Now, how do I go about meeting them? I asked that shortly after my arrival. The answer was simpler than I would have thought: Like other San Franciscans, I would only have to go to one of the many “Meetups” the city has to offer.

The selection boggles the mind: yoga sessions, karaoke nights, girlie book clubs, feminist round tables, cocktail hours, hackathons, trans-gender pub crawls, arts and crafts clubs, brunch groups, hiker get-togethers, golfing gays, European football fan clubs, lesbian poker marathons. Not that I’ve tried everything on this list, but there really is something for every interest. “Meetup” is a New York platform founded in 2002 with the goal of bringing like-minded people together. Anyone can start a group, post the particulars on the website, and hope that there will be at least a few others out there interested in the same thing. Nowadays, many Americans who live in big cities organize a major portion their leisure time that way.

Even Kimberly — whom I met, by the way, at a meeting of a really fun book club — is very active in the Meetup scene, despite having lived in San Francisco for over 10 years and having tons of friends and acquaintances. She says meetups introduce her to people she otherwise would never have met, and she’s absolutely right. All I have to do is think of my “soap-making class” that was taught by a somewhat confused nerd, with a collection of chemicals, who tried to show us how to make soap out of them. It was a miracle we didn’t blow ourselves up, but at least, I made a Christmas present for my mother with my own hands for the first time since childhood; or the weekly yoga hour in the Episcopal Grace Cathedral, where our mats were spread out between the pews and around the altar. Everybody was welcome regardless of race, religion or sexual orientation, or whether you could hold a one-handed tree pose or touch your toes without bending your knees. It’s almost impossible to imagine all that bending and stretching going on in a German church.

Yes, meetups bring folks together, but in single female Kimberly’s opinion, the meetup devotees don’t have a clue when it comes to romance.

She complains about what she calls the whole dating circus. Americans have to adhere to a litany of strange rules. They even have their own bible called “The Rules,” written by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider, and considered the standard reference work on dating.

Third Date Already and No Sex Yet? Bye-bye!

The book lays out the entire process a couple needs to follow in getting to know one another — in strict rulebook form:

Basically, the man has to take the initiative. That means he has to call her. On their first date, the couple has to go to a bar or restaurant, and the man has to pick up the tab. At the end of the evening, a goodnight kiss is permissible, but restraint is mandatory: Nothing beyond that! After the third date, it’s standard practice for the couple to go to bed together, and if that doesn’t happen, it’s all over before it even began.

Besides that, you should always continue dating others so you don’t get a reputation for being a bore — or worse yet, a failure.

To abandon a dating partner, it’s only necessary to ignore their phone calls three times in a row; no discussion necessary. If you want to continue the relationship, wait a couple of months, initiate the conversation by telling the other party that you want to officially be a couple and date one another exclusively.

Kimberly says wistfully that Europeans have an easier time getting acquainted, but then, she brightens up as she remembers that since the advent of sites like OK Cupid and Tinder, things have changed for the better, especially for women, she says. With a digital dating service, people include in their personal profiles exactly what it is they’re looking for: casual sex, a lasting relationship, or just a friend to have coffee with.

That’s the way to avoid misunderstandings right from the start, and modern technology renders the old-fashioned dating rules here today and gone tomorrow. At least a girl doesn’t have to wait for a guy to call her up.