Super-Sized Servings

Whether it’s cheeseburgers or church services, Americans like theirs rich. Body and soul can only be well nourished with substantial stuff. No wonder, then, that in these times of crisis the portions keep getting bigger. The slice has become a slab, the pork chop a half-pig, the steak a whole steer — and there are always free refills for your coffee or Coke. God’s word, on the other hand, is served in easily digested little mouthfuls, but nonetheless richly garnished and liberally spiced.

Here in Germany, where “the American way of life” comes under increasing criticism, we’re trying it the other way around. Everything is thrifty; the belts are being tightened, the tank only being half filled. In church, on the other hand, they’re not being so stingy — at least not with words. And it’s not only words: An Easter mass in one Lübeck church, for example, was also rich in imagery. Instead of a religious service at midnight, they did an evening slide show on the subject of bullying in the workplace and the performance pressure put on students. It was a miracle if those who weren’t already sound asleep were able to make it past the 23rd slide. The pastor with a long-suffering facial expression was playing ping-pong — you should always try to win! And victory — good over evil — was the theme the next morning with our Catholic colleagues on the radio, as well. Bravely, the nasal male voice droned on about the misdeeds of his brother priests and the ensuing church crisis they caused. That segued immediately into a daring theory, coupling the crisis with the resurrection of Jesus — all done under the motto: What do you mean, dead, over and done with? We’re just getting started! Don’t let hope escape, dear brethren, we’ll overcome this crisis, too!

They can only dream of such confidence in America, even if the crisis there is less about priestly physicality and more about the problem areas of the human body. How many calories are in a cheeseburger? How many are in a delicious brownie? Is less really more in the end? In the future, fast-food joints will have to publicly display signs informing customers about the calories contained in their portions. No less a personage than the president’s wife has already declared war on rampant obesity. Her efforts will no doubt soon be rewarded with success. But the bottom line is that Americans have always found comfort in both their food and their church.

Germans, on the other hand, having already learned the calorie charts by heart in grade school and being so much better educated than those Americans, stick with their diets. Instead of intellectually stimulating nourishment, our churches serve us empty words in half-portions. And sadly, that’s not just at Easter. That might be because our preachers aren’t judged by their performance. In the USA, if a church is poorly attended, the shepherd gets the blame, not the flock, as is the case here in Germany. Surprisingly, this principle doesn’t result in preachers who work up a sweat by a little ping-pong game; it leads to church services worthy of the name. You get full-bodied taste with no guilt trips. And above all, you leave without the feeling that you’ve been taken for an idiot.