The Seven Sins of Brad Pitt’s Wine

Brad Pitt has started to produce (or have produced for him) wine in France. He began last year with a rosé de Provence, originating from the estate he purchased for $60 million. The “Seven” and “Fight Club” actor now fancies himself as a farmer, and his wine, conceived in partnership (50/50) with the star wine grower Marc Perrin, was even the only rosé to be ranked among the 100 best wines in the world by an American magazine …

1. Totally Unaffordable

And so I went down to the supermarket to buy a bottle of JPP rosé (Jolie-Pitt-Perrin). The 75cL bottle costs 15.5 euros — quite a sum for a Côtes de Provence, directly placing this creature at the top of the pile for this appellation.

Especially since the Château de Miraval, the Pitt-Jolies’ estate, possesses 50 hectares of vines. Enough to churn out a huge quantity of bottles — already over 100,000 per year according to the most recent figures — soon to include red wines (including a “super red” in the style of a “super Tuscan,” and therefore “super expensive”). This is the first Pitt effect: the Pitt-bull.

2. The Shape of a Bottle of Bubbly

Another striking detail at the time of purchase is the shape of the bottle: squat, curved … nothing like the usual shape of Côtes de Provence bottles. In fact, it’s very similar to that of a Ruinart, the well-known champagne producer — with, in addition, a round, classy, uncluttered mini-label. Rosé that thinks it’s champagne? That sounds like a La Fontaine fable.

3. As Clear as Water

On to serious matters: We uncork, pour and take a good look at it.

Firstly, its appearance: It’s as clear as water with a few drops of mercurochrome dancing the tango in it. Ultra-pale rosé is in fashion. Apparently it’s more “marketingly” correct. Between you and me, it’s not a great sign.

4. A Broken Nose

Then we smell it: a broken nose, the aroma has run off heavens know where; it almost smells of nothing, as if someone had barely squirted it with alcohol. We haven’t even tasted it yet and already it almost makes us want to start yawning.

5. A Taste of Alcoholic Water

The aftertaste is more of the same: Brad Pitt’s wine has a taste of alcoholic water. Time for jaw-breaking yawns. As there is a serious wine grower in the equation (the Perrin family isn’t just from anywhere), it still remains strangely balanced in its aromatic nothingness. This third-rate film is saved by a hint of acidity.

6. Brad, You’re a Big Fibber

He reckons he’s a farmer and pretends to make wine like you make films. He wants a box-office hit. Come back down to earth, big man.

7. From “Fight Club” to Bland, Preppy Rosé

Sorry, Pitt, but it’s pretty shameful. If you’re going to make wine (and why not), don’t play it like an old man. You’re 50, not 250. Take risks; choose scripts with a minimum of craziness. It’s not as though you have anything to lose, so make us a wine along the lines of “Fight Club” or “Kalifornia.” If not, the first rule of Brad Pitt’s wine will be that nobody talks about Brad Pitt’s wine.