It’s Time to Feed Ferguson Cookies

According to the American press, Victoria Nuland visited a supermarket yesterday where she purchased ten kilograms of premium quality flour, dry yeast, sugar and cinnamon. Since there haven’t been any comments from the U.S. State Department representative over the last 24 hours, one may assume that Ms. Nuland is now baking cookies and rolls for the rebel Fergusonians.

The situation is critical: the riot police, these “bloody dogs of Obama’s,” are trying to squelch an American Maidan, which likewise consists entirely of the same “they’re just children.”* Even if some of the children are lightly bearded, it’s not their fault; the crackdown and harsh pressure by the totalitarian U.S. authorities hasn’t allowed them to develop into full-fledged citizens.

In Ukraine, they’re following what’s happening in the U.S. with pain and anxiety. A collection of humanitarian aid for Ferguson residents began in the morning on Kiev’s Maidan; hundreds of people are bringing car tires. Some especially conscientious citizens are even handing over brand new tires on alloy wheels and riding the subway instead. The surge of Kiev’s residents is impossible to stop. In all districts of the city neighboring the Maidan, cars are parked in yards and resting on bricks instead of wheels. The Kiev police are powerless to stop in a split second this paroxysm of solidarity.

Meanwhile, from the rebel Missourians comes disturbing news: the National Guard has been deployed to Ferguson. Rumor has it that a famous Russian singer who performed in the summer in occupied Slavyansk is already planning to sing across the ocean before his usual audience. Native Ferguson bloggers, temporarily residing in Vinnytsia, left approximately 150,000 messages of identical content on American forums and news sites within a few hours: “I am a native Fergusonian and believe me, things aren’t so clear-cut here. Most of the city’s residents do not want a Maidan; they were provoked. My aunt’s second cousin’s live-in boyfriend saw with his own eyes the famous Downbass terrorist Bezlera in blackface makeup on the outskirts of Ferguson.** He bought pizza for Strelkov, who was sitting in a UAZ Patriot under the guise of a Guy Fawkes mask and feeling very sad that in New York for the time being they had only managed to block off three bridges. Disturbing.”

*Translator’s note: The phrase “they’re just children” (“onizhedyeti”) is a sarcastic reference to the outrage expressed by many Ukrainians in the wake of a bloody government crackdown against protests by young people on Kiev’s Independence Square. Merged into a single word and used as a noun, it insinuates that the protesters were in fact violent provocateurs.

**Translator’s note: Here the author employs the malapropism “Downbass” to mock an American allusion to “Donbass.”