What I Learned Last Year
Published in Le Journal de Montréal
(Canada) on 28 February 2021
by Richard Martineau (link to original)
(Canada) on 28 February 2021
by Richard Martineau (link to original)
Translated from
by Emily Sedgwick.
Edited by Elizabeth Cosgriff.
A list of things I learned over the last year:
• Science is not an exact science;
• It’s crazy how deep our nasal cavities are;
• The longer a pandemic lasts, the greater the percentage of obstacles in a society increases (what we call, in scientific terms, the law of mall-purchase gravitation);
• Bill Gates is responsible for everything that goes wrong in the world: the pandemic, bleeding hemorrhoids, gout, the reduction of sperm in albino monkeys in Ghana and Big Brother Celebrities;*
• Alcohol and pot are essential products. But not books, which explains higher education;
• After 8 p.m. anyone walking a dog is less likely to catch the coronavirus than someone who is walking alone;
• Contrary to what scientists say, faith really protects us from the coronavirus. The proof: You cannot invite your child to come over and eat one-to-one, even if you follow social distancing rules, but you can meet eight other people you don’t know from Adam and Eve in a house of prayer;
• If I am to believe everything that is published on social media, Quebec is the one place in the world where there are the most coronavirus specialists. As of the last count there were 4,652,496. And that was just on Twitter;
• Quebec is truly distinct. It is not enough to use rapid screening tests – with success – everywhere in Canada. Before they are allowed to be used in Quebec, they have to be tested here, by people here, to know if they meet our standards, if they can meet weather conditions in Quebec, and if they can penetrate the nostrils that are so particular to people in Quebec;
• The tendency to profile a person is inversely proportionate to the years of study;
• When a coronavirus enters a room and sees a comedian or a musician on stage, it darkens and contaminates everyone who is breathing. But when it enters the same room and sees a movie projected on a big screen, it runs away. Could it be allergic to the material used to make screens? We should put a man on that;
• Using masks varies according to the development of the pandemic. At first it was not necessary to wear one. Two months later, you may wear one. After six months, you absolutely must wear one, under pain of penalty. And after 11 months, you must wear two of them;
• Santa is golden ($2,000 just for participating in a press conference. Happily, he was not booked with his elves.);
• Beware of doctors when they tell you that mental health is important. If it were so important, public health experts would consult psychologists and psychiatrists before making decisions;
• It’s easier to flatten the curve than to flatten my stomach;
• Nature is the best antidepressant in the world. That and Damien Robitaille.**
*Translator’s note: “Big Brother Celebrities” is a reality TV show in Quebec based on George Orwell’s book “1984.”
** Translator’s note: Damien Robitaille is a Canadian pop musician.
• Science is not an exact science;
• It’s crazy how deep our nasal cavities are;
• The longer a pandemic lasts, the greater the percentage of obstacles in a society increases (what we call, in scientific terms, the law of mall-purchase gravitation);
• Bill Gates is responsible for everything that goes wrong in the world: the pandemic, bleeding hemorrhoids, gout, the reduction of sperm in albino monkeys in Ghana and Big Brother Celebrities;*
• Alcohol and pot are essential products. But not books, which explains higher education;
• After 8 p.m. anyone walking a dog is less likely to catch the coronavirus than someone who is walking alone;
• Contrary to what scientists say, faith really protects us from the coronavirus. The proof: You cannot invite your child to come over and eat one-to-one, even if you follow social distancing rules, but you can meet eight other people you don’t know from Adam and Eve in a house of prayer;
• If I am to believe everything that is published on social media, Quebec is the one place in the world where there are the most coronavirus specialists. As of the last count there were 4,652,496. And that was just on Twitter;
• Quebec is truly distinct. It is not enough to use rapid screening tests – with success – everywhere in Canada. Before they are allowed to be used in Quebec, they have to be tested here, by people here, to know if they meet our standards, if they can meet weather conditions in Quebec, and if they can penetrate the nostrils that are so particular to people in Quebec;
• The tendency to profile a person is inversely proportionate to the years of study;
• When a coronavirus enters a room and sees a comedian or a musician on stage, it darkens and contaminates everyone who is breathing. But when it enters the same room and sees a movie projected on a big screen, it runs away. Could it be allergic to the material used to make screens? We should put a man on that;
• Using masks varies according to the development of the pandemic. At first it was not necessary to wear one. Two months later, you may wear one. After six months, you absolutely must wear one, under pain of penalty. And after 11 months, you must wear two of them;
• Santa is golden ($2,000 just for participating in a press conference. Happily, he was not booked with his elves.);
• Beware of doctors when they tell you that mental health is important. If it were so important, public health experts would consult psychologists and psychiatrists before making decisions;
• It’s easier to flatten the curve than to flatten my stomach;
• Nature is the best antidepressant in the world. That and Damien Robitaille.**
*Translator’s note: “Big Brother Celebrities” is a reality TV show in Quebec based on George Orwell’s book “1984.”
** Translator’s note: Damien Robitaille is a Canadian pop musician.
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